


i wanna ruin our friendship

by jjomiomi



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Friends With Benefits, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, No Explicit Sexual Content, Pining, Sad Akaashi Keiji, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 07:03:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27579566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jjomiomi/pseuds/jjomiomi
Summary: He never stopped, though. He would take as much as Bokuto as he could get, even if it wasn’t enough to quench his undying thirst for more.Akaashi’s heart ached from the burden of it all, but there was no world where he wouldn’t end up doing it all over again.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Comments: 2
Kudos: 39





	i wanna ruin our friendship

Akaashi was in love, he thought.

He wasn’t sure. It was hard to be sure of something like that, when you had never loved anyone before. But the feelings he had when he was around Bokuto, the bashful stares and speeding of his heart, he couldn’t think of a word for it all other than love.

They weren’t dating, exactly. They weren’t just friends either. Friends with benefits, maybe, but the fumbling kind, none of the easy passion that adults had when they stumbled into those kinds of relationships. They had something special though, Akaashi thought. Wanted to think so.

He would dilute himself. He would lay back with Bokuto on top of him, while he traced hesitant kisses down to his collarbone and asked before taking off his shirt—he would always ask, so sweetly, in a way that made Akaashi’s heart swell. And in those moments Akaashi would tell himself that they were truly together, that they kissed not just in moments like these but every day, that they touched not just like this but casually, holding hands and bumping arms. He would close his eyes and imagine a world where Bokuto stayed the night and made breakfast with him, and they shared sweet pancake batter kisses as they cooked. He imagined being held after practice, in front of everyone, being hugged like it was nothing.

He didn’t get those kinds of touches. And he didn’t hate it, really. This was more than enough of Bokuto, should’ve been more than enough—but then, Akaashi was greedy, wanted to monopolize him, wanted to take what wasn’t his. 

When they finished Bokuto would crawl behind Akaashi and hold him close, and Akaashi would imagine a world where Bokuto would spend the night like this. But he always left after a few minutes, and left Akaashi’s heart feeling empty. He always felt this way after, emptied out, exhausted, not from the physical act but from the strain of caring.

He never stopped, though. He would take as much as Bokuto as he could get, even if it wasn’t enough to quench his undying thirst for more. 

Akaashi’s heart ached from the burden of it all, but there was no world where he wouldn’t end up doing it all over again.

The worst of it was that Bokuto didn’t seem bothered. He didn’t seem to care at all, really. He was so normal during practice, gave Akaashi high fives and praised him like the rest of the team, didn’t avoid him or look out for him or do anything out of the ordinary. To think that Bokuto of all people could hold it together when Akaashi couldn’t—it made him feel nauseous.

Akaashi did his best. For what it was worth, he didn’t think anyone else could feel just how troubled he was. He would have moments, little slip ups, would lean in for a kiss or stare across the gym. But for the most part, those incidents were avoidable.

The feelings stayed, though. No matter how good he was at pretending he wasn’t feeling them, they feelings always stayed.

Sometimes he took it out on Bokuto. On those nights he would climb on top and kiss him with a hunger, would pin him down to the bed and hold him there and feel, for a moment, like he really owned him—like these kisses were really his, like he was really being loved right now. He would take control to feel like he had any, would do whatever he wanted and act as if that made of for his helplessness. But it would all fade when Bokuto left. There was never any shelter from those feelings, he was always surrounded by them, even if he could run far enough to feel like he could escape them from time to time.

There were two options, of course, if he ever wanted to stop the constant ache. The first one was untenable. He dreamed of the second.

First: To leave Bokuto behind. To stop what they were doing, to avoid him at practice, to disappear from his life for long enough that his wounded heart could heal, if only a little.

There was no world where he could do that. To give up Bokuto, someone that precious to him, was impossible. Just imagining it hurt him, physically—how would Bokuto take being left? Would he be able to deal with it? No, that option was out of the question.

Second: To confess. To tell him all of his feelings, to spill out his guts in front of Bokuto, to finally be free of the weight of all the unsaid words.

Akaashi longed for that. He would daydream about Bokuto having felt the same all along, about the two of them finally getting together, for real, no more of this purgatory of a relationship.

Akaashi couldn’t do that either, as much as he dreamed of it. Honestly, he didn’t think he could get the words out. He was weak, too weak to show himself to Bokuto like that.

In reality there was one way things would happen, and Akaashi had accepted it.

They would continue like this until Bokuto graduated, and then he would leave Akaashi behind. Bokuto would do great things, Akaashi knew. Wherever he went, he would be a star, and the world would gravitate to him.

And Akaashi would live a normal life. He would watch Bokuto from a distance, and live with the constant ache, wondering to himself, if only. If only he had only taken the last step. If only he had confessed, if only Bokuto felt the same way. He would wonder for the rest of his life.

It was fine. It was fine, Akaashi told himself, because he got Bokuto for now. He had him to himself, if only for a short time, and that was enough. For now, Akaashi would take everything he could get, would get a taste of everything Bokuto had to offer. It was a promise to himself.

Akaashi was in love, but he would push it down, would crush that love into dust until his heart was left empty, if it was for Bokuto’s sake.


End file.
